Wednesday, May 22

Tom Brady ripped by Bill Belichick, Kevin Hart, former Patriots teammates during roast

They certainly didn’t pull any punches.

In a live show on Netflix that lasted over three hours, a roast of Tom Brady didn’t spare any jokes at the expense of the seven-time Super Bowl winner. Everything from his divorce from Gisele Bündchen, Spygate, Deflategate and Brady’s relationship with Alex Guerrero were on the table.

“Before I got to the New England Patriots, we heard about Spygate. Then after I left, we heard about Deflategate,” Randy Moss said. “So I only got one question for you, Tom: ’Why the f— didn’t we cheat when I was there?! I wanted to cheat, too. My kids always ask me, ‘Daddy, why does everyone have a ring but you?’ You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say, ‘They just don’t trust me enough to cheat’?”

A wide array of former teammates and comedians spent a few hours trading barbs with each other — but especially Brady.

“A lot of people assume I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady,” Drew Bledsoe joked. “So I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you — they’re correct.”

And then, toward the end of the night, Bill Belichick, the uber-serious, seldom-joking former head coach of the Patriots, crushed with a 10-minute set.

“People have said it — Tom and I butted heads a lot,” Belichick said, setting up his joke. “And in a way that was true. But it was hard to butt heads with Tom — because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”

At first, Brady sat in good spirits and tried to laugh off the relentless (and often ruthless) jokes — even if there were some uncomfortable moments. Here are some of the highlights from the roast.

Jokes from Brady’s former teammates (and Belichick)

Moss: “Even though we didn’t win it all, I still got everything that I wanted because I got to play with the greatest quarterback that ever lived. And for three years — it was a short time — we scared the entire National Football League. Tom, you’re still my quarterback — even though you did not want me to be your accomplice.”

Bledsoe: “There were rumors that coach (Bill) Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.”

Belichick: “I’m honored to be here at the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Not to be confused with the roast of Bill Belichick on the 10-part Apple-TV series.”

Julian Edelman: “Alex Guerrero is the snake oil salesman that turned Tom into a complete weirdo.”

Rob Gronkowski on the similarities between Brady and Belichick: “You’re both hard asses that hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football — and both of you take full credit for the dynasty.”

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Best one-liners from the comedians

Comedian Jeff Ross: “Tom was drafted 199th in the NFL draft. He sat there for days waiting and waiting and was finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident.”

Nikki Glaser: “You have seven rings — well, eight now that Giselle gave hers back.”

Some uncomfortable moments

It wasn’t all just laughs. It seemed Brady learned pretty quickly that this wasn’t going to be some light-hearted, good-natured ribbing. That started with Kevin Hart’s opening monologue, which went heavy on jokes about Bündchen and her reported new boyfriend, who has a background in jiu-jitsu.

But the most awkward moment may have been after Ross made a joke about Robert Kraft and massages. Afterward, Brady stood up from his seat and seemed to say to Ross, “Don’t say that s— again.”

Belichick’s roast

The best set of the night probably goes to Glaser, though Belichick’s bit was great and hit on everyone from comedians (joking that Hart can’t say no to an opportunity) to Danny Amendola’s career highlights (that’s “what Randy would call a decent first half”) to, of course, Brady (“Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me?” Belichick joked.)

With Belichick back in the fold, he opened himself up to ribbing, including from Edelman, who noted that Belichick for several years used to say in team meetings that players at Foxboro High School could’ve done what the Patriots messed up.

“(Now) Foxboro High is the only job offer you have,” Edelman said. “… Do your job? More like need a job, coach.”

Robert Kraft’s quips

With the rift between Kraft and Belichick well known, the Pats owner figured he’d quickly address it when he got the mic while Belichick was seated next to Edelman on stage.

“Like many family reunions, there’s some people here I’m desperately trying to avoid — coach Belichick, good to see you,” Kraft joked.

Then he turned toward Brady’s impending purchase of a share of the Las Vegas Raiders.

“Tom, good luck buying the Raiders,” he said. “They did your favorite thing for you already — they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”

And in a turn that would’ve been nearly impossible to foresee (and at the urging of Hart), Kraft and Belichick took a shot together while Kraft praised Belichick as the greatest coach of all time.

How did Brady take the roasting?

Finally, at the end of a long night with some brutal jokes, Brady cracked a few jokes of his own while displaying a cocky version of himself fitting of a roast.

He said that Gronkowski was a great tight end for the Patriots —“Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then.” He joked that the NFL could’ve saved the $20 million it spent on Deflategate “and I would’ve just told you I f—-ing did it.” And Brady added that he’s trying to buy a share of the Raiders because, “I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.”

At the end, Brady turned toward Belichick, the coach with whom he’s had a turbulent relationship.

“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious,” Brady said, “how many Super Bowls have you won since I left? … When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask, ‘Hey, who gassed up your car.’”

Required reading

(Photo: Michael Tran / AFP via Getty Images)